The business of feeling

What does it mean to be human? To feel deeply, and be open to life?

I’m on the cusp of another big transition in my life, one that feels even scarier than the leap I took two years ago.

Back then, I quit my company. My investors. My identity as a startup founder in the spotlight. (You can read that story here). That leap was external. This one feels deeper. Internal. Existential. Like a shedding of skin I didn't even know I was still wearing.

And it’s scary. As. Fuck.

I’ve been searching for truth for as long as I can remember, but lately, the truth has started to feel truer. Or maybe I’ve just finally developed the courage to look straight into the dustiest corners of my being. No bypassing. No performance. Just raw presence. Things are becoming clear. I’m being guided.

All great and well, until Victoria shows up.

You know Victoria, right?

She’s the voice in my head. High-pitched, slightly smug, with just enough spiritual lingo to sound convincing. Victoria likes control. Loves safety. Hates not knowing. She’s the part of me that says things like:

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Don’t quit this company. No one wants your art.”
“You’ll make a fool of yourself. And how will you pay for almond milk when you're old and crinkly?” (Jep, she can get dramatic).

(Sorry to all actual Victorias out there; it’s nothing personal.)

Most of us have a Victoria. Some of us are Victoria when we’re scared. But the thing is, she isn’t real. And the only way I know how to tell the difference between her voice and my truth is to come back to my body.

Because the truth doesn’t scream, it whispers. And you can only hear it when you’re still enough to feel.

I used to think I was doing “the inner work.” I read the books. Did the journaling. Had the meditation breakthroughs.

But the last five days in Mallorca felt less like “inner work” and more like base camp for Everest.

Raw. Honest. Unedited.

When people take off the mask, when they show up with their shame, grief, joy, confusion, all of it, there’s no room for judgment. Only awe.

Watching a group of humans transform in front of my eyes, often starting to heal decades of trauma in a single week, was nothing short of miraculous. It humbled me deeply.

A quote I’d heard many times but never felt until it resurfaced during the retreat:

We are not humans learning to be spiritual.
We are spiritual beings learning to be human.

And damn, being human is hard.

It takes skill to move beyond the stories and conditioning and fear. It takes guts to choose growth over comfort. It takes practice to tell Victoria to shut the hell up and take a backseat.

But seriously, what’s the alternative?

Performing a life instead of living it?
Settling for safety instead of truth?
Continuing to gaslight your soul in the name of being “reasonable”?

Nah.

I believe we’re here to put ourselves in the way of life.
To stay open, even when it hurts.
To remember what it means to be alive.

Learning to be human is my lifework. And I fucking love it.

With a full heart,
Valerie

Ps. This retreat I’m talking about is called Deep Dive. It takes place in different parts of the world; and was created by the one and only Rupda, and her team. more here.

Pps. Rupda swears a lot. Years of good girl conditioning taught me not to — but after last week, I figured: fuck it. ;)