Why asking for help is an act of empowerment
How a mysterious €200 gift from a stranger exposed my fear of relying on others
I had moved into the spare rental bedroom of an Indian guy in Haarlem who was continuously moving between the Google office in Dublin and Amsterdam. Those were the early days of running my company Frank about tea and pretending to be Steve Jobs, I made do with a simple matras on the floor, my favorite books piled up against the bare wall, and a folded pile of essential dark coloured clothes. My love for minimalism helped to reframe this daunting chapter of my life as an adventure, and while I have forgotten the Indian guy’s name, I have certainly not forgotten what he did to me towards the end of my stay..
He had returned from Dublin late one night and we ended up chatting until the shadows danced, a rare scene in the otherwise desolate house. I was packing up my things to evacuate the premises the next morning, feeling my shoulders relax at the mere thought of leaving, when I suddenly see two hundred euro bills lying on my matras on the floor.
My initial thought was confusion, followed by offense. Did the guy think I was a desperate woman needing his money? Which normal person leaves money on a tenant’s matras? Truth be told, the two hundred euros was a blessing at the time. I asked him why he did it. “Because I wanted to. Simple as that”.
While I hadn’t explicitly asked him for help, I think he could tell I was having ‘liquidity issues’ (fancy way to say I was broke). It took a lot of vulnerability for me to accept his gesture.
Not asking for help
As I was preparing for this newsletter, I tried to think back to all the times I did not ask for help. Like the time that I was overworked in my business but didn’t want to appear not having ‘my shit’ together by asking for help. Or the time that I was down with bronchitis and did not want to disappoint my client by cancelling our session. Or the time that I was balancing way too many groceries in my arms and denied the man in line behind me to help me carry them to the car.
The list goes on and on... When I think of the times that I did reach out to someone for help, the list is sparse. Does asking the shop attendant to help me zip up a dress count?
I have a deeply ingrained fear of appearing weak to the outside world. If I ask for help, I am supposedly confirming the idea that women are not capable of taking care of themselves. My plea for help makes me feel that I’m setting back the feminist movement by at least 50 years. Yes, I take immense pride in my independence which was not a given for the women in line before me. But this independence comes at a cost.
The hidden cost of independence
The loss of authenticity is I believe one of the greatest, most hidden costs women pay for independence. I certainly have.
The thing is, when we are extremely independent, we don’t have to rely on others in any way. But it is precisely in relying on others that we are fully seen as authentic human beings. Let’s say I would’ve admitted needing help in managing my business finances. This would’ve given someone with a talent in finances the opportunity to help me, and most likely the finances would’ve been in a better state too. Win-win. By opening myself up to support from someone, I can acknowledge the person’s unique talent and can admit where I fall short (aka prove I’m human). This creates a stronger ecosystem in which we can acknowledge and make use of each other’s talents, whether that’s cooking or organizing logistics, and tada, we all get to be in our superpower and be vulnerable at the same time. As Brene Brown points out: It is a small step from “ I don’t need you” to “I can’t trust you to handle me as I am”. In other words, not asking for help can easily translate to not feeling safe to be your true self around others.
And yes, it takes courage to say that we need help.
Of course, a certain level of (financial) independence for women in the world we live in is absolutely healthy and necessary. I wish for no women to be trapped in an abusive or unfulfilling relationship and not have the means to escape.
But I also wonder, is there a way to not be dependent, but still depend on others at times?
Hello interdependence
What would happen if:
-I ask my partner to help me carry the groceries to the kitchen?
-Have friends bring me food when I’m sick or going through a hard time ?
-Ask a neighbour for some eggs instead of driving 10 min to the grocery store ?
In my view, healthy interdependence doesn’t exclude autonomy and self-sufficiency. It doesn't mean that I have to push myself to rely on others. It simply means acknowledging when I do need support and being transparent about that vulnerability.
The thing is, we are not meant to do life all on our own. Embracing interdependence not only reflects truthfulness but is also a beautiful remedy against the sense of isolation that underlies our modern society.
Deeper connection
I love when someone asks me for help, because it allows me to connect with that person on a deeper level. Humans inherently love to give, if only we’re asked.
There is a deep desire unfolding within me to feel safe enough to give AND to receive fearlessly. To be an empowered women that asks without shame. For it is in trusting others enough to help me, that I recover some of my #soft&strong self.
Soooo, who are you going to ask for help next?
Soft is the new strong ✌️
Love, Valerie
This Substack is a personal thought experiment shaped by my experience as a privileged white woman that grew up in Germany and Belgium, and now lives between the mountains and the sea in Portugal. Read more here. I acknowledge there are many others perspectives on living a soft(er) life, and I hope to invite diverse voices into this space as it grows.