No longer there and not quite here - the space in between work identities -Part 2

So what am I then?

Apr 18, 2024

“I am afraid I am creating too much of a CV gap”, my sister declared to me over a cup of our favorite homemade Chai together last week. She had been focused on her own healing and work as a yin yoga teacher.

My sister had been led to believe that a CV career gap is something to avoid like the plague, or else risk entrance through the doors of recruitment land for the rest of our life.

I also felt that announcing my departure from my previous company needed to be quickly followed by an announcement of my next chapter, my next role, my next pursuit. Because why would someone quit to,well, just quit?!

Admittedly I wasn't quite ready to step into full work identity-lessness (new word), so I did what every sane person on Linkedin would, and right away declared that I would be taking an interim role as Impact Director.

The complete story

The story I told to the world sounded professional, sound and accomplished. The story wasn't untrue, but it also didn't feel complete. I wasn’t just ready to leave Frank about tea in particular, I felt absolutely done with being a founder and CEO in general. I felt I had been running in a race that I could only complete because I knew the end was in sight. As soon as I hit the finish line, my buckling knees ensured I would never run this race again. The truth was, I was done hustling. I couldn't bear one more day on the spinning hamster wheel. The loop of chasing aspirational numerical goals, while continuing to act like the next breakthrough was always just around the corner. The wheel of promotions, meetings and excel sheets spinning endlessly. Deep down, I was in pursuit of a softer life and ashamed to admit it.

Starting a company or pursuing a certain career is a choice to invest a large chunk of our short earthly existence, passion and energy into that one thing. That is huge! It's okay and normal to grieve letting that go.

But what happens in the space between no longer there, and not yet here, comfortably wrapped in a new identity?

Welcome to my current chapter.

Colouring outside the lines

I knew early on that I wanted to colour outside the lines, because frankly I hated lines. Lines scared me to death. The thought of my life unfolding in one linear direction until my inevitable death at the end of the line was worse to me than the actual thought of dying. I’ve tried to paint my life with bold strokes of colour, chaos and beauty in equal measure.

I am not scared of change, never was. But I'm having a hard time dealing with the blank space in between the anchors of change, before change has manifested into a new stroke on the canvas.

Discomfort in transition

There is discomfort in transition and the space of no longer there and not yet here. It requires me to live in the truth of every single moment, like admitting when a new job opportunity just isn’t aligned anymore with the person I am becoming. Postponing my new work identity (and therefore any external recognition) feels uncomfortable. But it's also a choice. No one is holding me captive in 'no woman's land' where nothing is certain and everything is again possible.

The discomfort isn't just mine alone. Change can be daunting not only for ourselves but also for those around us. Often, we find ourselves gently policed back into the familiar by well-meaning questions about our choices. 'There are already so many writers in this world, why not stick to consulting?' a family member suggests. 'Wouldn’t the stability of a monthly paycheck be comfortable, especially if you plan to start a family?' my friend muses. Sure, that would be comfortable indeed, as is a warm cup of tea. Comfortable is not what I came here for (although I love tea).

Simply put, those around us, meaning well but informed by fear, see coloring outside the lines as unsafe.

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Certainty is an illusion

Change is a disturbing reminder of our impermanence in this world—a truth we often resist acknowledging. Regardless of our choices, our secure paychecks, or our job titles, change reminds us that ‘the end’ will eventually come for all of us. Change shatters the illusion of certainty we so desperately cling to, leaving in its wake a stark reality: we are not in control.

I’ve noticed my own inclination to construct such illusions, attempting to dictate the course of my life with a false sense of control. Yet, embracing a softer approach to living affords me the luxury of noticing the pauses, the spaces in between. It asks me to surrender my tight grip and confront the uncertainty that lies ahead. I am learning to accept that my path forward may not adhere to a singular identity. Instead, it promises to be a journey of fluidity and evolution.

I am enjoying the dance between my impact consultancy, other times wearing the aspiring writer hat, or planning entrepreneurial projects in my new home country Portugal.

I am giving myself permission to birth different versions of myself over and over. That for me is the beauty of being human.

It doesn't mean that I failed my career, or that I am no longer ambitious. It means that I acknowledge the impermanence of everything that surrounds me, including the impermanence of my very own being. CV gap, bring it on!

Soft is the new strong ✌️

Love, Valerie

This Substack is a personal thought experiment shaped by my experience as a privileged white woman that grew up in Germany and Belgium, and now lives between the mountains and the sea in Portugal. Read more here. I acknowledge there are many others perspectives on living a soft(er) life, and I hope to invite diverse voices into this space as it grows.